It's been a long time since I posted, but an article that Natalie posted on Facebook caught my attention. I really should post more here. I'm noticing more and more a divergence between my son and the rest of the children his age and in his class at school. The days are filled with "autistic" moments, but I don't always notice them because I'm used to them. It's just JR. Reading the article, however reminded me of yesterday's "moments."
Christmas just passed us on Sunday. JR's dad and I were very good at getting him the things he loves -- anything with numbers on it: a money bank that counts the money, a digital alarm clock, a toy mixer (you know, for baking), a calendar. All of these things have something to do with numbers. We also decided to get him something to just play with: a remote control car. I took my husband's advice and bought two so they could play together.
JR spent all day yesterday playing with his blue car. It is such a fun car that has a wheel on top of the car so it can do flips (in a way), roll on its back, spin, and do some fun tricks. JR loved making it go fast and making speeding noises to go with it. He asked several times when his dad was going to be home.
"But what time, Mom?" when I told him that Dad would be home after work.
"Can I call him?"
"Sure." JR dialed his dad's cell phone number and waited. After the conversation (with which I was pretty pleased), I asked what time his dad said he would be home. Was he still at work? Was he on his way? JR suddenly lost it. He was crying, "I can't remember. I don't understand." After a few minutes of tears and yelling, he finally asked, "Mom, can I call him back to ask?"
"As soon as you're calm." When Dad didn't answer, JR whimpered and said, "He didn't answer." (My husband later got the whimpering, sad message on his voicemail.) When Dad finally did call back, I talked to him. The dilemma was the he never told JR exactly what time (hour and minute). He just said, "I haven't left yet, I've had to fix a problem at work." You see, JR has to have specific times. We're trying to teach him that we don't always have those, but he still feels like he needs a specific time - to the minute. I told my husband to talk to JR again, and this time give him a specific time. It worked.
As we sat around the dinner table, JR and his dad discussed playing with the cars. JR looked at his dad and said, "Dad, you can have the blue car, and I can use the red one." If you remember, JR's car was the blue one - the one he'd been playing with all day. I tried very hard to tell JR that he couldn't just tell his father how they were going to play, he had to ask him if he could play with his car. I reminded him that the red car was given to his dad, and that the blue car was his. I told him, "You have to say, 'Dad, can I have a turn playing with your car?'"
JR turned to his father and said, "Dad, we can play with our cars for 5 minutes and then we can switch and I can use the red car."
I shook my head and said, "No, JR, you can't say that. You can't tell your dad how he's going to play with his toy. You have to ask him if you can." I then tried to give him another script he could say. He still failed. I wondered why he couldn't just ask and why he wasn't understanding.
Just before they began to play, the answer came. Something was wrong with the blue car. JR never said anything about it, my husband spotted a loose wire under the car. Thank goodness he is handy with things like that, and he fixed it. You see, JR couldn't tell me that something was wrong with the car; he'd forgotten that part. He only remembered that he couldn't play with the blue car for some reason and that he would need to play with the red car.
They played for a while together, having fun. Eventually, my husband let JR play with the red car. Turns out that both cars were on the same frequency, so they really couldn't race their cars at the same time. Bummer. . . it would have been a GREAT social tool for him; instead, it turned out to be a difficult moment for him to understand why they couldn't play together and how to take turns. Sharing is difficult (as you can tell). You're probably thinking that you have the answers to this one, but I assure you that you'd be surprised how your answer may not work the way you think it would. ;)
I find that I'm constantly telling JR what to say and how to say it. It's difficult. He doesn't always understand facial expressions or why I tell him the things I tell him. I only hope that one day it will come naturally to him to think about others and how they feel. That he should ask, not tell or do because that's what he thinks is right. I hope I can teach him not only by telling him but by showing him as well.
Showing posts with label social skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social skills. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Social Skills
Some people are born with an innate sense of social awareness. I have always thought of myself as a people person. I tend to get along with most people and generally like most people. Social situations don't usually scare me, I just go with the flow. So when your child, who shares your genetic make up, has trouble in social situations, it is sometimes hard to understand how they could just not get it.
Most of us are born with the ability to adapt to social situations naturally. For instance, A little boy (Bobby) wants to play with another little boy's (Johnny) toy. The first time, Bobby goes up and takes the toy. Johnny then shoves Bobby and takes the toy back. "Hmm", Bobby thinks, "that didn't work". So he adapts and tries something different. He may not get it right the second or maybe even the third time, but he finally figures out that if he asks or waits his turn then (usually) he will get what he wanted: the toy to play with. This is a social script.
Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) have trouble with these social scripts. Since every child is different, the breakdown comes in multiple different places. For my child, it is the deviation from his plan. He thinks he has a solid plan, so why isn't it working? He tries it again and again. His results are always the same, but he still doesn't change his actions unless there is extreme intervention by teaching him the correct social scripts that will give him his desired result. Is this making sense? So something that another child figures out with trial and error, my child needs direct supervision and extreme support to learn. He gets it eventually, and he excels at that specific situation once he figures it out. But, oh dear, here is another situation that is a little different, and we are back to the same sequence all over again. He won't be able to carry over what he learned from the last situation, or if he does, it won't be appropriate to the new situation.
So if we use the same example, Isaac sees a little boy playing with a toy. He wants to play with the toy, but this time he also wants to play with the boy. So he goes to the boy and asks to play with the toy. The boy either says "no" or says "sure" and then walks away. Well, now Isaac is frustrated because he didn't really get what he wanted. So, I have to specifically say, "Did you ask to play WITH the boy?" He couldn't adapt to the change in the situation.
The interesting thing about this process is that every parent goes through this. We have to teach our children these social skills. The unique thing about children with ASD is that Parents have to continue to do this for a much longer period and repetitively. Something a three and four year old should be learning to master, my son still struggles with at six.You could maybe see how this could become tiring for me, teachers, and for Isaac.
As a parent you hope that as you raise your children, that others will understand that it is a learning process for the child and for you as well. I went to the playground for a play date with one of Isaac's classmates from his PDD classroom, and unfortunately, the little girl had a classic "Autism" meltdown. (If you have not seen one of these count yourself lucky, they are intense.) The little girl wanted to swing on a specific swing, and another child was currently using it. She could not change her plan to swing on another unoccupied swing or wait patiently till the other child was off. So she began kicking wood chips at the other child, stomping, screaming, and then eventually hitting her mother when she tried to intervene. She could not be reasoned with, and the tantrum escalated. If you have tried to wrestle an out-of-control six year old you will know how hard it was for this mother.
This sweet mother was, of course, horrified and embarrassed, and it was really interesting for me to watch this as a bystander. Usually I am the mother taking a screaming and kicking child to the car as quickly as possible. The interesting thing was to see how the people around us reacted to such an abnormal meltdown. Most mothers looked on with sympathy and tried to ignore it so this mother wouldn't be embarrassed, but a few looked on horrified or disgustedly. At first I had a desire to say something to these few about how they had no right to judge, but then I thought it's too bad for them that they will never know this sweet mother who is so strong in her fight for her child.
I have become a better person from getting to know other mothers who struggle with their children whether they have special needs or not. Thank you to all of you who have supported and sometimes held me up when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. That, to me, is a social skill that only wisdom and experience can give a person. I hope someday I will have both, and use them to help others.
On a side note, today at the playground Isaac went to someone and asked him what his name was, how old he was, and generally went about the introduction ritual without a flaw! You should have seen my puffed chest and proud face. We've come a long way baby!
Most of us are born with the ability to adapt to social situations naturally. For instance, A little boy (Bobby) wants to play with another little boy's (Johnny) toy. The first time, Bobby goes up and takes the toy. Johnny then shoves Bobby and takes the toy back. "Hmm", Bobby thinks, "that didn't work". So he adapts and tries something different. He may not get it right the second or maybe even the third time, but he finally figures out that if he asks or waits his turn then (usually) he will get what he wanted: the toy to play with. This is a social script.
Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) have trouble with these social scripts. Since every child is different, the breakdown comes in multiple different places. For my child, it is the deviation from his plan. He thinks he has a solid plan, so why isn't it working? He tries it again and again. His results are always the same, but he still doesn't change his actions unless there is extreme intervention by teaching him the correct social scripts that will give him his desired result. Is this making sense? So something that another child figures out with trial and error, my child needs direct supervision and extreme support to learn. He gets it eventually, and he excels at that specific situation once he figures it out. But, oh dear, here is another situation that is a little different, and we are back to the same sequence all over again. He won't be able to carry over what he learned from the last situation, or if he does, it won't be appropriate to the new situation.
So if we use the same example, Isaac sees a little boy playing with a toy. He wants to play with the toy, but this time he also wants to play with the boy. So he goes to the boy and asks to play with the toy. The boy either says "no" or says "sure" and then walks away. Well, now Isaac is frustrated because he didn't really get what he wanted. So, I have to specifically say, "Did you ask to play WITH the boy?" He couldn't adapt to the change in the situation.
The interesting thing about this process is that every parent goes through this. We have to teach our children these social skills. The unique thing about children with ASD is that Parents have to continue to do this for a much longer period and repetitively. Something a three and four year old should be learning to master, my son still struggles with at six.You could maybe see how this could become tiring for me, teachers, and for Isaac.
As a parent you hope that as you raise your children, that others will understand that it is a learning process for the child and for you as well. I went to the playground for a play date with one of Isaac's classmates from his PDD classroom, and unfortunately, the little girl had a classic "Autism" meltdown. (If you have not seen one of these count yourself lucky, they are intense.) The little girl wanted to swing on a specific swing, and another child was currently using it. She could not change her plan to swing on another unoccupied swing or wait patiently till the other child was off. So she began kicking wood chips at the other child, stomping, screaming, and then eventually hitting her mother when she tried to intervene. She could not be reasoned with, and the tantrum escalated. If you have tried to wrestle an out-of-control six year old you will know how hard it was for this mother.
This sweet mother was, of course, horrified and embarrassed, and it was really interesting for me to watch this as a bystander. Usually I am the mother taking a screaming and kicking child to the car as quickly as possible. The interesting thing was to see how the people around us reacted to such an abnormal meltdown. Most mothers looked on with sympathy and tried to ignore it so this mother wouldn't be embarrassed, but a few looked on horrified or disgustedly. At first I had a desire to say something to these few about how they had no right to judge, but then I thought it's too bad for them that they will never know this sweet mother who is so strong in her fight for her child.
I have become a better person from getting to know other mothers who struggle with their children whether they have special needs or not. Thank you to all of you who have supported and sometimes held me up when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. That, to me, is a social skill that only wisdom and experience can give a person. I hope someday I will have both, and use them to help others.
On a side note, today at the playground Isaac went to someone and asked him what his name was, how old he was, and generally went about the introduction ritual without a flaw! You should have seen my puffed chest and proud face. We've come a long way baby!
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