Homework

A Post By LeMira


I decided to keep J.R. in Kindergarten this year due to his social and language delays.  So far, I feel very good about it.  I also chose to put him in a charter school.  Overall, I'm happy with that decision, although there are some major disadvantages there (i.e., the lack of speech therapy that he really needs).  The biggest advantages are that he is able to go to first grade for math, and his Kindergarten teacher tries really hard to help him with his math page each day afterward.  She really makes an effort to help him out and give him individualized attention.  J.R. was doing Kindergarten math, but it was too easy for him.  Homework lasted five minutes, which I think isn't bad for Kindergarten; however, he was getting nothing out of it.  First Grade math seems to be on his instructional level, which all teachers know is exactly where you want them to be.

(Quick lesson in teacher lingo.  There are three basic levels when it comes to a student's learning.
Too Hard= Frustration Level.  At this level, you know you need to take a step back.  The child is so frustrated and confused that absolutely no learning is happening.
Just Right = Instructional Level.  The Instructional Level is the one where the child is learning and it may seem a little hard, but with some practice it becomes easy.  Homework and classroom work should be at the instructional level.
Easy= Independent Level.  Kids should be reading books at home at the Independent Level.  Kids are who being taught too much at this level are bored with school, usually.  You find most of your "troublemakers" at school are the ones stuck in the frustration and independent levels.)

Sooo. . . back to J.R.  Once he started bringing home First Grade work, there was a huge jump in how long it took him to do homework.  We spend at least 30 minutes, four days a week, doing homework.  As a teacher, I might think this means it's at a frustration level because a First Grader or Kindergartner should be spending roughly 10-15 minutes a night on homework, not 30.  The thing is, as his parent, I know this is just right for him.  Why does it take so long?  He doesn't understand the instructions or what the problem is asking. It's his language delay.  It takes me three to five attempts to explain the problem/instructions just the right way so he will understand.  Perhaps one day I will find that "one way," but I don't think I'm catching on.

When I first told J.R.'s teacher about his homework, she was surprised at how long we were spending. . . until I explained why.  She understood completely because she experiences the same type of thing with him in class.  The biggest difference is that he doesn't fight her.  He always fights me.  Always.  Every day I hear, "I can't do this. It's frustrating." Without fail, I will hear that phrase at least once (if I'm lucky it's only once.)  I admit that I'm glad that he chooses to fight me and not his teachers, but some days I can't hold back, and I join the fight; which only makes it worse.  The thing is, I know that I get to look forward to this for the next twelve years.

Vacuum Therapy and Trust (by LeMira)

I swear it seems that any time a person (usually another parent or friend) tells me that they just can't tell that J.R. has any sort of social delays or signs of PDD-NOS, he is sure to have not one, but several reaffirming PDD moments.  It's like they happen to remind me that yes, it's real.  Yes, I'm not just making up these stories.

When my son was young, it seemed like he loved the vacuum.  He'd crawl around the house, find the vacuum, pull up and stand next to it, and just stare.  He wasn't scared of it, it seemed,  for so long.  In fact, he seemed infatuated with it.  It was a little odd, I admit, but cute, nonetheless.  It was nice that I didn't have a screaming toddler when I vacuumed.  Today, I realized that those days are gone.  Honestly, I think they disappeared after our last vacuum broke and we threw it out.  With that vacuum when J.R.'s comfort; this is the first vacuum change in his life.

The best thing I ever did was make a weekly chore list for J.R. that doesn't change.  He's very good at doing his chores as long as it's routine.  Recently, we had to change his Wednesday chore from vacuuming his room to sweeping the kitchen (you'll understand why as you keep reading, I hope).  J.R. asks every week about this, "We don't have to vacuum, right?"  He knows, but he wants and needs reassurance.  Today I, being the wonderful mother I am, said, "Oh, why don't I vacuum the living room while you sweep the kitchen?"  Sounds reasonable, right?

J.R. responded immediately by plugging his ears and hysterically trying to clamber to his room.  Remember how wonderful of a mom I am?  I grabbed him, trying to be a tease, and forced him into the living room.  Seeing the sheer terror on his face and the tears brimming, I decided the force had to go and the understanding had to come.  I calmly asked what, why, and how the vacuum terrified him.  He couldn't really answer me definitively, although he tried.

I decided to try something.  I let him hold the plug and touch the vacuum.  I encouraged him to push the on/off switch; and touch all over the vacuum.  I wanted him to get to know the vacuum.  When I could see he was still completely terrified after plugging it in, I led him to his bedroom.  While sitting on his bed, we practiced plugging his ears for three counts, then not plugging his ears for three counts.  Then we took turns being the vacuum while the other person counted and plugged.  When he felt comfortable enough, I went and vacuumed the living room while he plugged and counted.  No screaming, running, slamming doors, or tears ensued.  It was a small success.  I then asked him to unplug the vacuum for me.  He asked me to go with him, and so I did. 

This is not the only irrational fear that my son has.  This is only ONE of them.  Dealing with these fears has been very difficult and yet educational for me.  The biggest breakthrough for me was when I finally admitted that I didn't understand them, and then asked myself how could I understand.  That's when I realized that I have fears that seem irrational to others.  My irrational fears usually have to do with reptiles, amphibians, and the dark.

We seem to think that dealing with our fears head on and jumping in to them is the way to "get over them," or that doing these pranks (like me pulling my son into the living room) will help us; that it will be therapeutic.  The truth is, I think it's actually more detrimental.  How would I feel if someone stuck a snake around my neck, or even worse, a frog down my shirt?  I'd probably scream!  (Now, don't get any ideas.)  And then, I would never trust that person near me again with anything moving.  EVER.

How did my son feel today when I was carrying him to the vacuum?  How did he feel when I turned it on, even just for three seconds, without his permission?  I daresay he felt violated.  I took the trust and stomped on it.  That's why we did the "vacuum therapy."  I had to regain his trust.

I find that I have to constantly rebuild trust with him.  It pains me that I have to do this because it means that I keep breaking that trust.  It's hard.  I don't fully understand, and I never will.  The one thing I want, though, is for my child to feel like he can always come back to me.  I need to figure this one out.

How do you deal with your child's irrational fears?

Decoding Autism

 Last night I (Natalie) found the information that PBS in New Jersey was doing a documentary on Autism and I knew I needed to watch it. LeMira and I simultaneously watched it together. We IM'd back and forth the things we found interesting. There were a few things that I took away from it that I wanted to share. I am sure that LeMira might have a few more that she will want to share.

1. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it or detect it before birth.
2. I am not alone in this. There are so many other parents out there struggling with the same things.
3. Research is being done in order to give me more answers.
4. I am already doing the best thing that can be done, being an advocate for my children.



So if you have an hour free, please watch this video. We aren't anywhere close to understanding Autism but with more and more information and Research it is only a matter of time!

Decoding Autism

The Results Are In

On Thursday, as I (LeMira) drove home from the appointment with the psychologist, I had many thoughts.  Above all, this thought pelted me:  Why did I go?  Here are the answers I gathered.

1.  We have a diagnosis and an explanation.  Yes, my child has PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified).  It turns out that my son's delays are NOT due to prematurity.  In fact, I was told to throw that excuse out.  It has NOTHING to do with my son's issue.  PDD-NOS is, in fact, hereditary.  J.R. would have had it even if he hadn't been premature.  I can even tell you that it comes from my husband's line. 

2.  I was validated.  All of the little tactics and ideas I've had that have popped into my head to try were right.  Everything I've been doing to try to help my child are just what he's needed.  I'm not too involved in my child's life; I'm not a bad mom.  My instincts were right, and I was not grasping at straws.  To be honest, when I was telling the doctor why I felt my child needed to be tested, he looked at me without expression. (I swear psychologists must have to be able to do that in order to get their degrees.) His expression encouraged me to grasp at everything and anything that I saw in my child that seemed quirky or odd.   In the end, he told me that all of my concerns were exactly what PDD-NOS is.

3.  I have some strategies that I can use.  I can't remember them all, and that's why the psychologist will be writing up a report with recommendations on it of what we can do.

4.  I have confidence in my abilities as a mother and knowing my child.  Yes, there are days that I feel completely inadequate to be my child's mother, but I now feel some power and confidence in being my child's best advocate.

I can not tell you the relief I felt when the doctor officially gave the diagnosis.  I physically felt a burden lift off my shoulders.  This is something I can accept, something I can work with.  I have answers and now I have a definite direction.

Today's Fear

Today's the day.   Today my little guy sees the child psychologist for his multi-disciplinary assessment.  Basically, J.R. is being tested for anything and everything (ADD, ADHD, Autism, etc.).  I admit, I'm nervous, scared, anxious, and worried. What if the doctor doesn't see what I'm seeing?  What if I forget to tell him something?  What if the tests come back negative?

Okay, so I'm sure it's not going to be black or white/positive or negative, I mean, we're seeing a psychologist; but what if there aren't any "abnormalities" other than just the tentative diagnosis* (Cerebral Palsy) the neurologist gave us a month ago?  A million questions are running circles in my head, and you can imagine that for someone who gets motion sickness like me, that it's quite sickening.  Here are just a few that keep making laps around my brain:

If J.R.'s behaviors are normal, does that mean I'm just too impatient with him?
Is it just my fault?
Will he not get the help he needs in school?

Is there nothing I can do?

Sure, some of these sound selfish, but I don't mean them to be.  I'm really worried that what I'm doing as a parent is HURTING my child, enabling him to continue these poor behaviors.   Seriously, my biggest fear today is not that J.R. will throw a fit, get angry, or do nothing; my biggest fear is that the doctor will tell me that it was a waste of time and that there is nothing we can do to help my child. 
 

*It's a tentative diagnosis because it will only be definite if we decide to give J.R. an MRI to determine if there's brain damage.  We're still deciding what to do with that one.

Discipline

Do you ever just throw your hands up in the air and say "I give up!"? I did that yesterday at church after my youngest was brought to me twice, the second time for running out of the building away from the sweet pregnant lady that was in-charge of him. And this is supposedly my mild child! As she ran after him she said he was laughing and smiling and thought it was a game. Never mind that our church is on a very busy street or that this woman was in no condition to chase after him. All I could do was look at her as she was apologizing and say "It's ok, this is nothing new. I'm sorry."

So I have two dilemma's here. Both have nothing to do with having a special needs child, except that maybe I am confronted with these situations on a more regular basis than other mothers. First, how do you stay motivated to discipline your child when you feel like you are really punishing yourself?

I have been given so much advice, as I am sure most mothers are, on the "how tos" and "what withs" of discipline. But rarely have I been given advice on how to survive said "how tos" and "what withs". "Take away his favorite toy", "Take away the Tv, video games, bicycle, ......", "Put him in time out, on his bed, in his room.....". Unfortunately all I hear is "Take away something that will keep him occupied", "Take away your peaceful productive time", "Stand behind him in time out, by his bed, outside of his room". Now I admit no one ever said disciplining is easy, but what if your child doesn't learn after three or four times. What if this becomes your whole day, week, life? I am sounding mellow dramatic I admit. But after yesterday and realizing that I am spending most of my life saying "Don't, Stop, Come back here, Don't smile at me when I am punishing you, Go to your Room, Put your nose on the wall,......", I can't help but think I must either, A. be doing something wrong, or B. I just haven't got something right. Advice is always welcome! (This doesn't even delve into all of the reward systems that we have set up and then watched fail miserably!)

My second Dilemma has to do with my youngest child. How do you discipline a child who thinks it's all a game? Micah is so incredibly different than Isaac which, from what I can tell is exactly how it is supposed to be. Who knew two kids with the exact same diagnosis, same parents, and same fondness for trains, could be so different to discipline. I remember my father talking about how it was night and day disciplining my sister and me. I thought "well of course, I was obviously better!"  The easy answer to that is no, I just had easier motivators/reinforcements than my sister did.

Micah is a breed of his own. Trying to figure out what is going to motivate him enough each day is like solving the Sunday paper's crossword puzzle. Half the time he laughs at me when I try to sternly reprimand him. Which leads me to get more angry (who wants to be laughed at while you are trying to impart right and wrong?) It all devolves to one big crying, spanking mess very quickly. Can you figure out which one of us cries first?

I think this is a common mom thing. You don't have to have any specific type of child to feel the pressures of teaching your child right from wrong. But when you spend most of the day trying not to throw a bigger tantrum than your child, disciplining with love and logic seems like something that might be possible on Mars. So, great and wonderfully wise mothers out there..... How do you do it? What are your tricks? What keeps you sane and can you sell it to me?

Social Skills

Some people are born with an innate sense of social awareness. I have always thought of myself as a people person. I tend to get along with most people and generally like most people. Social situations don't usually scare me, I just go with the flow. So when your child, who shares your genetic make up, has trouble in social situations, it is sometimes hard to understand how they could just not get it.

Most of us are born with the ability to adapt to social situations naturally. For instance, A little boy (Bobby) wants to play with another little boy's (Johnny) toy. The first time, Bobby goes up and takes the toy. Johnny then shoves Bobby and takes the toy back. "Hmm", Bobby thinks, "that didn't work". So he adapts and tries something different. He may not get it right the second or maybe even the third time, but he finally figures out that if he asks or waits his turn then (usually) he will get what he wanted: the toy to play with. This is a social script.

Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) have trouble with these social scripts. Since every child is different, the breakdown comes in multiple different places. For my child, it is the deviation from his plan. He thinks he has a solid plan, so why isn't it working? He tries it again and again. His results are always the same, but he still doesn't change his actions unless there is extreme intervention by teaching him the correct social scripts that will give him his desired result. Is this making sense? So something that another child figures out with trial and error, my child needs direct supervision and extreme support to learn. He gets it eventually, and he excels at that specific situation once he figures it out.  But, oh dear, here is another situation that is a little different, and we are back to the same sequence all over again. He won't be able to carry over what he learned from the last situation, or if he does, it won't be appropriate to the new situation.

So if we use the same example, Isaac sees a little boy playing with a toy. He wants to play with the toy, but this time he also wants to play with the boy. So he goes to the boy and asks to play with the toy. The boy either says "no" or says "sure" and then walks away. Well, now Isaac is frustrated because he didn't really get what he wanted. So, I have to specifically say, "Did you ask to play WITH the boy?" He couldn't adapt to the change in the situation.

 The interesting thing about this process is that every parent goes through this. We have to teach our children these social skills. The unique thing about children with ASD is that Parents have to continue to do this for a much longer period and repetitively. Something a three and four year old should be learning to master, my son still struggles with at six.You could maybe see how this could become tiring for me, teachers, and for Isaac.

As a parent you hope that as you raise your children, that others will understand that it is a learning process for the child and for you as well. I went to the playground for a play date with one of Isaac's classmates from his PDD classroom, and unfortunately, the little girl had a classic "Autism" meltdown. (If you have not seen one of these count yourself lucky, they are intense.) The little girl wanted to swing on a specific swing, and another child was currently using it. She could not change her plan to swing on another unoccupied swing or wait patiently till the other child was off. So she began kicking wood chips at the other child, stomping, screaming, and then eventually hitting her mother when she tried to intervene. She could not be reasoned with, and the tantrum escalated. If you have tried to wrestle an out-of-control six year old you will know how hard it was for this mother.

This sweet mother was, of course, horrified and embarrassed, and it was really interesting for me to watch this as a bystander. Usually I am the mother taking a screaming and kicking child to the car as quickly as possible. The interesting thing was to see how the people around us reacted to such an abnormal meltdown. Most mothers looked on with sympathy and tried to ignore it so this mother wouldn't be embarrassed, but a few looked on horrified or disgustedly. At first I had a desire to say something to these few about how they had no right to judge, but then I thought it's too bad for them that they will never know this sweet mother who is so strong in her fight for her child.

I have become a better person from getting to know other mothers who struggle with their children whether they have special needs or not. Thank you to all of you who have supported and sometimes held me up when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. That, to me, is a social skill that only wisdom and experience can give a person. I hope someday I will have both, and use them to help others.

On a side note, today at the playground Isaac went to someone and asked him what his name was, how old he was, and generally went about the introduction ritual without a flaw! You should have seen my puffed chest and proud face. We've come a long way baby!