Thursday, September 23, 2010

Today's Fear

Today's the day.   Today my little guy sees the child psychologist for his multi-disciplinary assessment.  Basically, J.R. is being tested for anything and everything (ADD, ADHD, Autism, etc.).  I admit, I'm nervous, scared, anxious, and worried. What if the doctor doesn't see what I'm seeing?  What if I forget to tell him something?  What if the tests come back negative?

Okay, so I'm sure it's not going to be black or white/positive or negative, I mean, we're seeing a psychologist; but what if there aren't any "abnormalities" other than just the tentative diagnosis* (Cerebral Palsy) the neurologist gave us a month ago?  A million questions are running circles in my head, and you can imagine that for someone who gets motion sickness like me, that it's quite sickening.  Here are just a few that keep making laps around my brain:

If J.R.'s behaviors are normal, does that mean I'm just too impatient with him?
Is it just my fault?
Will he not get the help he needs in school?

Is there nothing I can do?

Sure, some of these sound selfish, but I don't mean them to be.  I'm really worried that what I'm doing as a parent is HURTING my child, enabling him to continue these poor behaviors.   Seriously, my biggest fear today is not that J.R. will throw a fit, get angry, or do nothing; my biggest fear is that the doctor will tell me that it was a waste of time and that there is nothing we can do to help my child. 

*It's a tentative diagnosis because it will only be definite if we decide to give J.R. an MRI to determine if there's brain damage.  We're still deciding what to do with that one.


Sally Bacchetta said...

You are very much in my thoughts today. I don't know what to say except that I know that you are strong and wise and loving enough to handle whatever comes out of the assessment. Eager to hear - Sally

Cristin said...

I'll be thinking about you a lot today too. Good luck and breathe. You can handle anything.